We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
he was CRYING into my vagina
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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