you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
