i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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