Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
