you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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