I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
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