Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
