just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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