i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
