the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
