Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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