tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
