Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
