She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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