I puked a lego.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
false alarm, still single
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
