Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
