I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
