the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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