So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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