i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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