Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
