i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
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