...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
