I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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