Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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