im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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