I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
