Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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