Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
