"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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