I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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