Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
