My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
