Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
