My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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