There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
