I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
