I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
