She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
