Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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