can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
