I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
