She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
