I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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