Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
