Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Randomize
