you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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