Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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