I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
