Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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