I need help removing her.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
what is it with giant penises always finding me
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
