So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
