Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
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