we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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