Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
We need a shit load of segways right now
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
