Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
