don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
They took my balls.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
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