i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
