I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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