So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
