At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
