Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
