I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
