Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
