I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
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And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
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Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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