Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I am one with the molecules
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
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