people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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