he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
